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On The Table Read Magazine, “the best book magazine in the UK“, Tara Rule helps readers achieve more with her new self help book, STOP APOLOGISING – Silence Your Inner Critic, Find Your Confidence, Stop Saying Sorry.
STOP APOLOGISING – Silence Your Inner Critic, Find Your Confidence, Stop Saying Sorry
STOP APOLOGISING – Silence Your Inner Critic, Find Your Confidence, Stop Saying Sorry by Tara Rule has soared the global book charts, taking the number one spot in nearly 10 different categories and is currently sitting at #8 in the overall Movers and Shakers category.
In May 2023, qualified accountant Tara Rule left her last corporate job as Senior Director of Global Business Operations at Adobe, with an opportunity of a Vice President role on the table, faced her fears of the unknown, and leapt into entrepreneurship. She has since built the coaching business she had always wanted, driven by her love of positive psychology and human behaviour.
Now, as an International Positive Psychology expert and coach, speaker and global best-selling author, Tara helps busy professionals, business owners and leaders to play to their strengths, succeed without sacrifice and create a life they love, so they don’t let fear get in the way of reaching their potential.
Tara is now passionate about speaking up about this topic that strikes a chord with so many of us, because the impact of apologising too much can be huge.
I have spent a lot of my eighteen years in corporate roles, noticing my colleagues and clients apologising.
“Sorry for interrupting!”
“Sorry, this may be a stupid question.”
“Sorry, I know everyone else knows what’s going on but…”
“Sorry for taking up your time.”
“Sorry…Sorry…Sorry…”
So often, I would let people know (in a kind and supportive way) they were doing this and they’d respond with, “Sorry! I know I say sorry all the time, but I just don’t know how to stop. Sorry!
Colleagues are less likely to listen to you because you’ve just told them you’re asking a stupid question. You are less likely to get that pay rise you’re trying to ask for because you’re too busy apologising for taking up your boss’s time to ask confidently for what you want. And at home you’re trying to do it all and feeling stressed because there would be too many apologies that you don’t want to make if you, heaven forbid, put yourself first!
The problem goes so much deeper than saying sorry at work or in meetings. The bigger issue is what we say to ourselves. Are we saying sorry for being ourselves? Apologising for living? For taking up space? For not feeling good enough? Have you (like so many people) ever said or thought that you’re stupid or not good enough, that you have to be perfect or don’t deserve to be where you are? That you’re ‘lucky’? I know I’ve said quite a few of these to myself a lot over the years.
-Tara Rule
Imposter Syndrome
Tara has had to tackle her own imposter syndrome head on, having continually climbed the career ladder from starting work at 18, through two maternity leaves, and also alongside starting her business. She has battled her own mindset demons, which told her she ‘wasn’t good enough’, and tapped into the tools of positive psychology to build up her confidence in herself.
Thanks to her dedication, she has learnt how to change her mindset to positive self-talk rather than negative and has become a master of setting boundaries, leaning into gratitude and spending as much time as possible doing what she loves. She has successfully silenced her inner critic, found her confidence and has stopped saying sorry.
Tara chose the title STOP APOLOGISING – Silence Your Inner Critic, Find Your Confidence, Stop Saying Sorry to stress that silencing the critic doesn’t mean putting it in a box and trying to ignore it, it is silenced when we listen to it, thank it and calm it down
When it feels listened to, it will feel happier. Then, and only then, will it quieten and give your inner cheerleader the space it deserves. I have been through this process myself. I can guide you now, because I know what it’s like to feel I’m not good enough. I have looked confident to others while having major self-doubt on the inside and I almost let fear get in my way of living a life I love.
-Tara Rule
The Busy2Balanced Positive Psychology Coach
Tara, known as The Busy2Balanced Positive Psychology Coach, is on a mission to share the positive psychology tools she has learnt for her own personal development with other busy professionals, she hopes to help more people to find the balance she has achieved by writing her own rule-book and playing to her strengths.
I now coach internationally to help professionals to succeed without sacrifice to create a life they love so that they don’t let fear get in the way of them reaching their potential like I nearly did… And, now, via my debut book, I am passionate about helping thousands, tens of thousands, millions of people…
This book is a step towards a more confident you, a step towards a happier future. I have spent years helping clients and colleagues to stop apologising and feel more confident. Even better, I am now teaching my own kids, which is so amazing. I was out for dinner recently, with my husband and two girls who are ten and thirteen.
One of my daughters turned to me and said, ‘Mum, you’ve taught me to say thank you instead of sorry’ – she said this completely unprompted. The grin on my face was huge! For years I’ve heard people apologise when they don’t need to. I was full of so much love and pride that my daughter was aware and was choosing a different way. I’m ridiculously excited about this book, I have crammed it full of ways to help you to stop apologising.
-Tara Rule
Supporting Professionals
Whilst Tara made the decision to step off the corporate ladder to work as an International Coach using her positive psychology training, she is still very much in the corporate world as she’s supporting other professionals to advance their careers.
I love the corporate world. I have had an incredible and happy career. But, I have also seen people broken by the stress of overwhelm, pressure, people pleasing and people feeling like they are juggling everything, they think they’re the only one who feels like this and always putting themselves and self care last on their to do list, which often ends in burnout. I’m passionate about using my coaching skills to support these people”.
15 years ago before I was married with kids I thought I had reached my professional peak, having gained promotion after promotion – but how wrong I was. I have achieved SO much more than I thought possible for myself, whilst also still being there for my family. Through my own personal development journey and some amazing coaches and bosses, I continued to develop in my career and left corporate life earning 10 times what I did 15 years ago, but excitedly also knowing and believing that I will continue this success in my own business. This is because I’ve learnt to back myself and I want to show others how to do this too.
-Tara Rule
Having created a life she loves as a mother of two children where work life balance has been a huge priority for her, her business offers coaching, workshops and retreats which prioritises finding balance, helping people maximise their impact, whilst still prioritising themselves and their self care. The number one question she gets asked is “How do you do it all?” – But, she doesn’t do it all, she prioritises ruthlessly, doesn’t say sorry, has clear boundaries and has invested in herself to really understand what gives her energy.
Tara’s 10 Steps We Can Take to: Stop Apologising, Silence That Inner Critic and Find Confidence
Imagine talking with confidence. Imagine feeling confident. Imagine having such confidence that you don’t feel the need to apologise. Imagine believing in yourself and backing yourself. Imagine confidently achieving all that you want in life. What would you do with more confidence? What would you achieve? How would life be different?
- Realise why you’re apologising – The first and important step to stop apologising, is to realise why you do it in the first place; Is it a habit? Were you given feedback that you’re too aggressive or direct? Do you feel like you don’t deserve to be in the room? By stopping and realising why you apologise, means you’re more likely to be able to change and instead sound more assertive.
- Be consciously aware of what you say – Become aware of the language you use, both to others and to yourself. Are your go-to phrases ‘sorry to interrupt’ or ‘sorry this may be a stupid question’? Start being aware of what you say to others and then what you’re saying to yourself. I interviewed my friend Hannah when I started writing this book and she told me, “I realised it was a habit, but I also felt like I didn’t deserve to be where I was. But now ‘sorry’ is no longer my go-to word; I know the value I bring and I’m so much more confident being me! I’m even teaching and empowering my daughters with all that I now know.”
- Be more assertive – When you stop apologising and sound more assertive, people will take you more seriously and have a more positive picture of you. You will be able to negotiate better and make more of an impact. This isn’t about being rude, but stop and ask yourself ‘do I need to apologise right now’ often the answer is no! By starting a sentence more assertively instead of with an apology, you’ll feel happier too.
- Tackle the imposter voice – I wasted years telling myself I was lucky and feeling I wasn’t good enough, despite my successful career. I have invested thousands in myself, doing the deep inner work, to realise why I believed these things and what I could do about my inner critic. You need to tackle it head on, because amazing things can happen when you overcome your inner critic. First, tune into that voice, what are they saying to you? It could be that ‘you’re not good enough’ or ‘you have to be perfect’. Secondly, know that the voice is trying to keep you safe. Your brain is trying to protect you and that’s amazing! It’s trying to keep you safe from failing or embarrassment. So finally, you get to say thank you. Thank you for trying to keep me safe. Recognising your inner critic is trying to keep you safe will be more effective than trying to put it in a box.
- Now, choose to listen to your inner cheerleader – We all have an inner critic, but we all have an inner cheerleader too. What are they trying to tell you? What is your truth? Take a moment to listen to them. They’ll be telling you ‘you are good enough’, ‘you are powerful’, ‘you are deserving’… I even had one person feel so alive when they tuned into their inner cheerleader that they told me “I am a kung-fu panda”, which I just loved. You get to choose to listen to your inner cheerleader every day.
- Focus on what’s working, rather than what’s not working – Focusing on your strengths and nurturing what you’re good at, increases your well being and in turn, happier people are healthier, more productive, more optimistic and achieve more. What are you good at? What do you find easy? What positive feedback have people given you? Spend as much time as possible using your strengths and you’ll boost your confidence.
- Create your list of replacement phrases – Spend a few minutes writing down your apologetic phrases and deciding what you can replace them with. ‘Sorry for being late’ could change to ‘thank you for your patience’, ‘sorry to chase’ could pivot to ‘can you update me on’ and ‘sorry this may be a stupid question’ could be ‘I have a question’. What are your replacement phrases?
- Find your sticky toffee pudding – Imagine being out for dinner, you’ve eaten way too much food and are full! But, the desert menu comes and you see sticky toffee pudding on the menu, and guess what… You find room!! (Well I do!) – When I worked in Corporate, helping people was my sticky toffee pudding! I could be up to my eyes with deadlines, presentations, meetings… but, when someone asked if I had 5 minutes to help them my answer was always yes! I always found room. What’s your sticky toffee pudding? What do you always find time for? Once you find it, approach it with as much passion and commitment as you can and watch your confidence grow.
- Invest in yourself – An investment in yourself, whether of money or time, will give you a huge boost. You may invest in yourself to turn your strengths into superpowers like I did with getting qualified as a Positive Psychology Coach. I didn’t just want to be a good coach, I want to be a great coach and that takes investment. Or, you may invest in yourself to help your mindset. Whether you work in corporate or have your own business, you could have the best strategy in the world, but only by believing in yourself will you truly achieve success and happiness.
- Step out of your comfort zone – We often love to sit in our comfort zone, it’s nice and safe and we won’t fail. But outside of our comfort zone is growth. You just need to pierce through the fear that sits around your comfort zone. You can do that by remembering to listen to your inner cheerleader, playing to your strength and believing in yourself to say YES to opportunities. By taking these steps, you’ll sound more assertive and more importantly, you’ll feel more assertive, which will boost your confidence.
Find more from Tara Rule now:
Kindle: https://amzn.to/4bhprod
Paperback: https://amzn.to/4bd6CCE
Website: https://www.tararulecoaching.com
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/tararule
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/tararulecoaching/
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