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Written by Sophia Moseley
www.shutterhutphotography.co.uk
It’s true that the first step is always the hardest, or maybe it’s the first fifty!
I lived this life many years ago and then it became a story tucked away in the back of my mind for what seems like another lifetime. As that lifetime started to come to an end, slowly but surely, the story started to swim around my mind looking for a tiny hole to escape from it’s prison.
With the encouragement of a fantastic therapist and friends that showed me what we as women can achieve. How we can fight back, overcome the demons that claw at us and shine as we are meant to. I began to have a tiny belief that maybe I could share some of my past without shriveling up like the wicked witch from ‘Wizard of Oz’.
That’s when I took the first tentative steps to share the story of a little girl who never felt worthy of anything, which ended up allowing a grown woman to release herself from the bonds of shame and guilt that allowed others to still treat her with deep and cruel disrespect.
It was terribly difficult at the beginning to even just sit down in my carefully chosen writing chair, pick up the laptop and start to tap away at the keys.
The thought scared me. No, it terrified me!
I was scared that I wouldn’t remember all the emotions and events as I pulled at the end of the ball of spaghetti that had rolled around in my head since I was a child. It is a worry that many people have as they prepare to revisit the past, particularly a past filled with trauma. Of course, I have only come to know this since the publication of Escaping Bohemia but it would have helped my confidence greatly, had I known this at the beginning of my writing journey.
The worry that I felt at the beginning though was unfounded as I found the words begin to flow easily from my mind onto the laptop. One tap at a time, I saw first a few words, then sentences and then paragraphs appeared. This brought me excitement, joy and dare I say it, I started to feel a little tingle of confidence. It pushed me on. I started to enjoy the process. I looked forward to firstly, my early morning writing sessions and then as lockdown no1 hit, I spent the hot summer of 2020 in my summer house remembering and processing the past of a once sad and lonely girl.
I learnt a great deal about myself, my journey and the characters of my life as I brought the past back to life. I grew intensely excited as I got closer to the end of the book. Though I didn’t really know where the end would be because I began to let go of the need to plan, get everything perfect or write for the reader. At the time I wasn’t even sure that there would be any other reader, but me anyway. I just really let go, I went with the flow and I found that each event that I shared led to the next one quite effortlessly.
Many of them surprised and even shocked me as details appeared in front of me. I found myself amazed by my childhood experiences and more so by the fact that I was still here and able to share them. The odds had been stacked against me.
One of the things that I hadn’t prepared myself for was my response towards the ghosts as they once again came to life. How I felt about the main players, like my mum and dad but also the bit players who just wandered onto the scene. I had already forgiven my mum, in my own heart and mind, many years before. But, discovering more about her past, along with once again living with her, albeit in my book, allowed me to look deeper at a woman who was riddled with addiction and mental health problems. A woman who had been alone since she was a child, abandoned, had a child taken forcibly from her and been abused by the men in her life as she made one bad decision after another. My feelings towards her certainly softened further. I understood her more as I not only looked back but also at my present situation and a decision that was looming over me.
Writing allowed me to be honest with myself at how bad certain times had been and recognise that I was not at fault. The shame and guilt that I carried was not mine to hold and it was time that I let that go. The biggest, brightest blessing was that I began to see what a warrior I had always been and still was. I had to accept that I had some amazing strengths and traits that had carried me through. Which in turn meant that the world became an interesting place once more, as I stepped into my own shoes.
I realised that I had already broken the cycle of destruction that I once lived in. I am the mother to two bright and amazing daughters who have never had to experience the lessons of my past. Here are two females who will have a positive impact upon the world and fulfil their own joyous potential. I had to admit to myself that I had done what my own mother couldn’t do for me.
This is a great achievement with a fat luscious cherry on top!
For those wanting to go on this journey of discovery, just starting even in the smallest way is the only thing that is needed to begin with. In fact, a small step is probably best. Don’t concern yourself with the details, the plan or the end result. A bit like death, you’ll get there soon enough, so just bloody enjoy the ride.
There’s nothing quite like it!
My hope in sharing my story is that it can help someone else shed the shame and guilt that they carry about their past. That it may help children realise that they do not have to follow in the footsteps of those around them.
And, it is by doing this we will start to see some truly positive effects within society. Isn’t that wonderful? By doing something as small and simple as sharing our own stories we can have such a big impact in the world.
Photographer/Author
www.shutterhutphotography.co.uk
sophia@shutterhutphotography.co.uk
Author Interview on The Table Read
*Amazon best selling author*
Escaping Bohemia-A memoir of a child’s journey through a turbulent childhood with an alcoholic mother and her determination to break the cycle of abuse.
Co-author of The Girls Who Refused To Quit-A collection of true stories.
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